Wednesday, July 06, 2005
The Contractor Conversation
Here's the conversation I want to have with the Warthog Faced Buffoon otherwise known as The Contractor:
Warthog Faced Buffoon: First things first. To the money!
Me: No. To the pain.
WFB: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Me. I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand.
WFB: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Me: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
WFB: And then my tongue I suppose, I took your money too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Me: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.
WFB: And then my ears, I understand let's get on with it.
Me: WRONG! Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
WFB: I think your bluffing.
Me: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I haven't sued your sorry carcass because I lack the legal understanding and representation to do so. But, then again... perhaps I have the knowledge after all...
Now to find a biscotti receipe...